I'd like to talk about the Pomeranians I live with again. Do you remember in the last post I told you how my dad was training them to eat humans? Well, this time I'd like to talk about what comes out of them rather than what goes in. And specifically WHERE they release it at. I sleep on the couch, so there is no door to close and no room to lock them out of. Now, this does not normally present a problem as I love the fur balls and actually like that sometimes they want to sleep near me. However....there are exceptions. Such as the other morning. I woke up, pulled back the covers, and got up to get ready for work. When I came back to the living room to take my covers off the couch I reached my hand down and right into a wet spot. My first thought was, water? Please let this be water. Nope. It wasn't. It was pee. Dog pee. One of them had peed on my covers. Peed right where I sleep! On something that probably still smelled like me! Thank goodness I wasn't still under those covers. They haven't peed on my yet..... Yet. I'm just waiting for the morning that I'm forced awake sputtering and trying to catch my breath because I'm drowning in a puddle of pee. That'll be the day. (The day the dogs are put in the kitchen with the baby gate across the doorway that is)
As I am not protected, yet, against nightly fountains of dog pee, I am also not protected from alien attacks on my brain. But a woman I saw last night at Wal Mart is! I was checking out (had to buy some canning stuff for salsa) and I saw a woman in another checkout line ahead of me with something on her head that I can only describe as a gold shower cap. And when I say it was gold I mean it shined, as in it was reflective enough to flag down helicopters. It was like she took tin foil, spray painted it, and stuck it on her head. It reminded me of the movie "Signs" where Joaquin Phoenix's character puts on a tin foil helmet so that the aliens can't read his thoughts. Now, I'm not sure why this woman might have suspected an alien mind flayer attack on her at 8pm on a Monday evening in Antioch, TN, but she's protected from it if it happens. Either that or she's worried she'll get murdered by a drug cartel and her body discarded in a rain forest where the gold shower cap will help searchers find her corpse. Either way....
Speaking of fashion, I've decided to embark on a little something I call Operation Bikini Body. I recently went on our family vacation to Dale Hollow Lake on the KY/TN border and, as it is a lake destination we did spend a large portion of our time swimming. Now, despite the massive amount of time I spent in the water I didn't have, and haven't had for a few years, a decent and proper swimsuit. So I've decided that next year I'm going to buy one. Not just any swimsuit though. A bikini. I've never been able to wear a bikini before. Heck I've never even come close to being able to wear one. I've always been the chubby girl. Compared to my cousins I always will be. But, I think maybe just maybe I could pull one off. And if I'm ever going to 1) be brave enough to wear one and 2) have a body that will look decent in one I'd better do it now cause I'm only getting older and with each passing year my body is only going to either fall down or fill in so it's now or never baby. So I guess I'll have to hit the gym and lay off the ice cream pints and hope that a year will be enough time to accomplish my mission of being Bikini Worthy. I've been looking at different suits and found a few I like. What do you think?
Of course, since it is a family vacation and my mother would have an issue, which is putting it mildly, with my wearing a bikini in public I might also buy a one piece suit to wear. Enter the following:
Totally proper and appropriate, eh? Much better than the shirt and shorts I have been wearing, yes? So .... Operation Bikini Body, GO!