Thursday, February 21, 2013

I Saved the Potatoes

Stop wasting all your tactical advantages!

And after yelling that to the TV the other day I finally turned the channel off "The Hills Have Eyes". I just couldn't finish it. Not that I started it. I turned it on partway through, to the part where they first brake down in the desert actually. I'm sure you all know the premise of the movie. A family gets stranded in the desert and is tortured by a group of people who got mutated by radiation experiments the government performed and are now living far from civilization. Apparently they survive by eating any travelers who happen their way. It's a stretch for a believable premise, but I was willing to give it a gander.

It quickly revealed itself as a movie not to be believed. Don't read any further if you don't want to read some spoilers. ... though honestly a movie that rotten I'm not sure anything can spoil it. ... Lets start with the guns shall we? The writers try to portray the dad and young son in this family as real gun enthusiasts. However ... the moment the dad gets left alone in the dark and hears someone talking creepy to him he unloads his gun. NOT into the person trying to scare him, but into ... wait for it ... the darkness. Yeah, that helped him right into being knocked out and tied up. Then later in the movie the son has a gun and shoots at the sky, the ground, even his own trailer since he can't really see anyone to shoot at. ... When you learn about guns one of the first things you learn is to never shoot a gun unless you know exactly what you're shooting at and have your target in your sights. ... Heck, I've never taken a gun class and even I know that. It's part of the common sense that's not common at all in horror movies. Really though, they only have so many bullets. Why would they waste them on .... nothing?

Also, the son in law finds a walkie talkie that was being used by one of the cannibalistic desert folk and hears them making plans to come and ambush them. All well and good. Great actually. I mean it's just that sort of thing that the remaining members of the helpless family need to get a leg up on their cannibalistic attackers. (Pun intended) So what does he do? ... Does he listen to it, find out what they are planning, and outsmart them? ... No ... He talks into it and tells the murderous desert dwellers to leave them alone and whines and asks them why they are doing this. ... Yeah I"m pretty sure they aren't going to be using the walkie talkies after that, which means that the family will now have no idea what they are planning. That's when I yelled at the TV about tactical advantages. It was also at that point that I almost wanted the family to get et.

Of course the Mutants don't do things that make much sense either. One of the mutants kidnaps the dad at a country store fully equipped with water and food. ... let that sink in .... They have access to food and water but .... choose to become cannibals? And lets look at where they live. In a make believe town created by the govt to mimic a real town in order for them to research the effects of radiation. The town is littered with mannequins. Presumably to mimic people in the govt experiments. Except ... wait ... Plastic doesn't really act live a living person if it's dosed with radiation. Not even close. And take that from someone who's studied radiation. But I guess the life sized dolls do up the creepy factor. But what kills the believability factor is that this town, that was presumably abandoned and left for empty by its creators, has power. As in TVs are working lights are on inside. ... hmm.... I'm not buying it. I mean I think the power company would notice if power was being used in an area that isn't supposed to be getting power, an area where no one is supposed to be living. Businesses are funny like that. They don't like to give anything away for free or to lose money.

 Maybe I shouldn't write anything. I mean who is to say I wouldn't turn into a complete commonsenseless idiot if I was placed in a horror movie like setting? I definitely know I wouldn't be the one to go investigate the creepy sound or go out alone in the dark in search of help. I'm just not a risk taker. I would be the one to hide in the closet or try to stay in the middle of the group. In other words, a totally expendable character. What about you? Would you survive a horror movie? What character would you play?

I do think that Groupon is trying to kill me though. .. or at least maul my large bowel.
I received the offer below in an email:

Colon Hydrotherapy Session
Refresh and rejuvenate your system with one visit
$45 ($90 value) for a colon hydrotherapy session 
One-hour treatment uses refreshing stream of warm water to flush out toxins & waste 
Relaxed, private environment...
Colon hydrotherapy is a gentle relaxing internal bath that helps cleanse the colon of poisons, gas, toxins and accumulated fecal matter. During the process warm filtered water is used to soak and remove waste that adheres to the walls of the entire large intestine (5 1/2 feet or more). Unlike an enema, it does not involve the retention of water. There is no discomfort- just a steady flow in and out. While the client is lying comfortably on a table, a small disposable speculum is inserted into the rectum. Water flows in the colon via a small water tube and out through a different tube called a waste tube which carries the impacted feces, mucous, and toxins. It is possible to see the expelled waste matter when it passes through a special viewing window.

I shall now let that sink into your brains. .... In case you can't read between the lines of that offer, let me enlighten you. Keep in mind that this comes from someone who is registered to perform enemas by the state and a national accrediting agency. I know the colon.
1) INTO THE RECTUM ... There are no words that will make that comfortable or relaxing.
2) In order for the water to be able to traverse the entire length of the large bowel you would need a fairly substantial amount of pressure. We aint talkin a gentle stream. Basically you're pressure washing your colon.
3) Viewing Window. Who would want to watch their own poo coming out of them? That is a special kind of gross.

And the spa attendant who administers the procedure? ... get this .. no medical training needed. One You tube video showed the person administering it unable to answer basic questions about the procedure. If that alone wouldn't scare you away let me give you some facts that will.

 Devices used for colonic therapy and irrigation are Class III medical devices and must be licensed by the FDA and used only for those medical purposes that are approved by the FDA. Colon hydrotherapy is not one of those purposes, and the FDA has issued a number of warning letters to “colon hydrotherapists” who misuse the devices.

Colon Hydrotherapy can cause side effects, some minor such as cramping, bloating, nausea and vomiting. In addition, it can increase your risk of dehydration and your risk for infection.
Some patients have ended up in the emergency room with confusion due to excessive water intoxication.
Other reports include rectal perforation, all in patients for whom there was no medical indication and none of whom were told of the danger that the treatment might make a hole in their colon or rectum.
Doctors found evidence of 36 cases of amebiasis, an intestinal parasite, among patients who underwent colonic hydrotherapy in a Colorado clinic. Ten of those patients had to have their colons removed surgically and 6 died. Testing of the clinic hydrotherapy equipment after routine cleaning found heavy contamination with fecal coliform bacteria.
In addition some risks of prolonged use of cleansing include dependence on the procedure to defecate.

So lets recap what could happen ...
1. nausea, vomiting, cramping, bloating. ... Sounds like the period to end all periods
2. Getting drunk on ... water .. now there's something to explain to the police officers. don't know they'd buy that.
 3. Part of your insides could explode and leak toxins into the rest of your body. ...  I don't want any part of my insides with a hole where there isn't supposed to be one. And aren't toxins the very thing this procedure is supposed to get out of your body?
 4. Parasites. .....  you could become a creepy crawly critter camp. nasty critters that cause you to have to take out part of your insides .. or, oh yeah ... DIE!
5. Dependence on the procedure to defecate. ....  you would never be able to poo without help again.

Conclusion = Groupon is realistically more dangerous than desert cannibals


  1. hey, girlfriend, how have you been lately???
    Don't know about the movie, but it doesn't sound like the one I would enjoy either.
    An internal bath...sounds quite painful.

    1. Two years of time intensive school. It's over, I'm employed, and now I have the time to read blogs and write my own again. happy times.